Death, Reflection, Renewal

This week brought challenges related to our existential reality as human beings. As I processed a lot of emotions, and coped with minor bouts of anxiety and depression, I tried to let go of expectations and get back to basics.

On my bedroom wall, I pinned up a list of priorities that I needed to renew. (#1: Sleep. #2: Drink Water. #3: Run outside.) I originally wrote this list sometime in late 2020, to help cope with all of the disruptions related to the Covid-19 pandemic. It hung in my room for well over a year before I moved to a new place, and that small piece of paper got lost in the shuffle.

I think I’ve always known that I am a creative person. In high school, my personal motto was: “Find beauty, make art.” Today, I view creativity as a personal character strength, as well as a personal value. Why, then, does “create” come dead last at #15 on my list of priorities?

I had to ask myself that question this week as I copied my own list down from a photo I had taken of it.

As I practiced my priorities throughout the week, I remembered that sharing my creativity means I’m alive and well. As much as I aspire to be creative, I have to be alive and well first. Creativity is the positive outcome of ongoing self-care.

Sunday, March 19th

Today, I attended a memorial service for my best friend’s older brother, who recently passed away at the age of 27. I tended to myself and those around me, simply finding room to breathe.

Monday, March 20th

Today, I drove home and got settled. I took care of myself.

Tuesday, March 21st

Today, one of my housemates brought out small canvases, and a collection of paints and paintbrushes. Three of us sat down to paint together. I started a painting inspired by two artists. First of all, I wanted to imitate the style of a painter local to my hometown of Bellingham, WA: Ben Mann. Second, I loosely referenced a drawing by the illustrator Johanna Basford.

I grew up surrounded by the Ben Mann paintings that hang in all sorts of cafés and restaurants around Bellingham. I tried imitating the style with no real knowledge about his process, just experimenting based on what his finished paintings look like.

Wednesday, March 22nd

Today, I continued working on my painting. In order to give myself more space to just live, I’m trying to focus on only one project at a time. My creative process has been more like a scatter plot lately, and I’m trying to nudge things towards a line of best fit. While I still refuse to specialize in only one skill for the rest of my life, I can admit that trying to do everything all at once makes me feel like I’m drowning in an ocean of responsibilities.

As my painting continues to evolve, I’m embracing the singular focus of this project. The painting has only gotten more meticulous as I go. But I’m starting to see the finish line on this one, and I’m excited to cross it.

Thursday, March 23rd

Today, I finished my treehouse painting. I loved the way the sunset turned out, but the browns of the treehouse felt a little dull and lifeless. As I was painting, I said aloud, “The black is eating my colors.” Several coats of brown later and I achieved some opacity, but I lost the sense of depth and texture that makes Mann’s colors sing. You can see that I tried to add some depth back into the tree trunk by blending black, green, and yellow.

Once I finished my painting, I did a little research about Ben Mann and found a video where he explains the process he uses. I decided to start another painting to explore what I learned. Mann always starts on a black canvas, that much was obvious from looking at his art. What I didn’t initially realize was that he uses a layer of white paint under certain color patches to make them more vibrant.

In my new painting, I wanted to explore the difference between painting colors over black and painting them over a white base layer.

Friday, March 24th

Today, I finished my second painting of the week. Again, I don’t feel entirely satisfied with the outcome, but I accomplished what I set out to do. There are still quite a few elements of Mann’s technique that I haven’t tried applying to my work yet, maybe in part because it feels like theft.

In Seattle, another local artist’s work covers the streets and sparkles in shops. He goes by Henry. I started to notice similarities between their work: they both use black backgrounds with vibrant colors, they’re both imaginative and fun, and they both connect their art with the cities they live in.

I think that by studying and practicing the techniques of the art around me, I’m allowing myself to be influenced by my local culture. On one hand it feels derivative, especially while I’m researching and learning, but on the other hand I can see that despite their similarities, both of these artists have recognizably different voices.

I like to believe that if I kept making art in this way, I will find a style that responds to the art around me, without sacrificing my own unique voice.

Saturday, March 25th

Today, I shared my creativity after a beautiful hike in the North Cascades with some close friends. To be out in snow covered mountains felt like a deep renewal for my soul.

I brought my camera along. After a week of painting, I enjoyed returning to my primary medium where my voice feels so much stronger. This photo was unstaged, and the only direction I gave was, “close your eyes.” To me, it perfectly captures the feelings that have been on my mind all week: Death, reflection, and renewal.