Self-Discovery in the Age of Creative Computers

When I was a small child, I lived in the countryside of South Dakota. My closest neighbor lived a short hike away, and outside of preschool, I never saw other children. That’s not to say I felt lonely; Quite the contrary. I had a whole entourage of imaginary friends.

Back then, I had an extremely strong sense of self. I remember stealing the spotlight at weddings, confidently singing songs I had memorized from karaoke CDs, and telling everyone how I wanted to be a ballerina or a famous actress some day.

At 25-years-old, I hardly resemble the child who happily entertained herself for days on end without thinking twice about it. I have spent most of my adult life feeling pulled in too many directions, grateful for family, friendship, and romance, but feeling somehow disconnected from a sense of self that developed in near isolation.

When I finally have a few hours alone, there are so many tasks which require my focused attention. Chores. Business. Responsibilities. It can feel nearly impossible to embody the playful imagination which might be the key to unlocking my inner landscape.

Our current anxiety about creativity reflects the importance we place on that inner landscape. For so long, we believed that art sprang only from the inspired souls of artists. No one questioned why computers were good at math, but how do we make sense of exquisite illustrations delivered by abstracted algorithms, rather than divine intervention?

When computers became creative, they rocked humanity’s collective sense of self. Now more than ever, the mission to know ourselves might be imperative for our survival. If we cannot even recognize our own genius, why bother to continue being creative ourselves?

Let me articulate the unspoken fear: If computers outperform us creatively, pouring cement down the last crevice for autonomy in our capitalist economy, what will we have left to compete for?

Sunday, March 26th

Today I started reading an article about “self-discovery,” whatever that means. The more or less innocent search for direction on searching for direction led me to discover something entirely unexpected: A new game! It’s called Kokology, and rather than spending 10$ + shipping on Amazon.com, I surfed the interwebs until I gathered a good collection of questions and interpretations.

The game is a sort of choose your adventure, collaborative storytelling game with a psychological twist at the end in which your “inner psyche” will be revealed. Some of the interpretations feel eerily accurate for everyone I’ve played the game with, some are unanimously Freudian pseudo science, while most lie somewhere in between.

The reason I’m talking about this game in a creativity blog comes down to three things. 1) It kicked off my exploration of self as a broader creative theme for the week in a fun and interesting way. 2) By retelling the Kokologies from memory, I had to put my own creative spin on them. 3) The game actually helped me tap into a really social, lighthearted, creative mindset.

Monday, March 27th

Today I played music in a drum circle at Gasworks Park after a day of filming contemporary baroque performances at Benaroya Hall. A few months ago I read a life changing little gem of a book by a sound guru/percussionist, Pauline Oliveros, called Quantum Listening. Her words gave me the guidance I needed to join into this collective sound making practice. My lack of any real knowledge regarding drumming became an issue later on, when I realized that I bruised my palm pretty badly, but as far as my ability to engage in improvisational, community music making, I felt exhilarated.

What makes us human! Listening to our listening? Responding to your response to my response in an effervescent kaleidoscopic dream. That’s what.

Tuesday, March 28th

Today I felt the thrill of competently contributing to a camera angle decision regarding focal length and perspective. I’ve been reading about lens optics and the studying came in handy today when I was able to offer a solution to a problem that I recognized with our shot.

For me, I view creativity as two complementary sides of myself: the child/investigator/experimenter and the adult/student/specialist.

The child needs to play and try new things, loves generating new ideas, and hates criticism. The adult needs to feel success in order to sustain motivation through the experience of passion. Today was more of an adult side day, because I proved my expertise on the job and took home cash money recognition of that success.

For those of us who have creative careers, we tend to repress one side or the other. Sometimes we repress the child in order to build a professional reputation; sometimes we repress the adult to feed our joy, freedom, and innovation. Without both operating modes we run the risk of either of becoming obsolete or burning out.

After a long winter of childlike exploration, concrete career wins make me feel like a million dollars.

Wednesday, March 29th

Today I took this gleefully unpretentious photo of a bee on a flower.

As cool as AI might be, no technology can replace the pure awe humans experience in nature. If this is not undeniable proof of humanity’s collective sense of self, I don’t know what is.

Later on, I watched the documentary Navalny.

Thursday, March 30th

Today I experimented with a new meal when cooking for a friend of mine. I started by baking veggie patties with fries and then sautéed some prepped veggies while taste testing my way through my first coleslaw concoction. Topped off with tomatoes and mushrooms, the final product brought the much needed flavor of carefree summer barbecues into a cozy day at home.

‘Heat’ by Bill Buford makes a sophisticated argument for perspective that chefs are truly artists. I know my budding interest in home cooking doesn’t come close to the technical prowess of the chefs described in his work, but it’s the soulfulness of feeding someone with care, love, and affection that in my opinion brings home cooking into the realm of art.

Friday, March 31st

Today I was deeply touched by someone else’s creative vulnerability with me. Actually, more than just one someone. That the combination of creativity and technology allows two human beings to connect on the deepest personal level from 5,000 miles apart gives me goosebumps. I’m happy to be alive today. On the other hand, that the very real, physical, life sustaining experience of eating food that someone has cooked with love for you can be simultaneously heart-touching, spiritual, collective, intimate, and inspiring shows that creativity knows no limits on earth. Our lives here are infinitely dynamic and blissfully warm when we can experience true connection with loved ones through creativity.

Saturday, April 1st

Today, I shared my creativity. Most of this blog post feels like an incomplete, unedited, rambling, stream-of-consciousness, but maybe that’s the beauty of it. Peace out for now dear reader.